Autobio 2000

A Personal View of the Twentieth Century

by Robert Brow   Kingston, Ontario, Canada, 2000


Appendix b

Jokes - as collected by Robert Brow

They say you don't understand a people till you can share their humor. I admit my friends often groan at my jokes, and my wife has heard them far too often, but it might help readers to know me by seeing the kind of humor I enjoy.

Jokes are meant to emerge from and be appropriate to a particular situation.

Recording them like this is a very poor substitute for telling them among friends at a party. But I like to think of a social historian unearthing them from a computer in the year 3,000. "Look, this is the weird kind of thing they laughed at in those days."

Some of these jokes I know came from the Reader's Digest. Others I heard second and third hand here and there. None of them are original to me. I just tell them, and laugh even if nobody else does.
 

Newfie Jokes

    I will spare my readers the dozens of Newfie jokes we have all heard. But I must admit I still laugh at a Mainlander joke. A Newfie came to Bay and Dundas in Toronto and was dancing on a manhole. He had a great smile on his face, and every time he jumped up he said "Forty-four, forty-four." A fellow in the crowd said "My man, you seem very happy, could I try that and see if it might cheer me up." The Newfie got him to start jumping on the manhole. "Jump up higher, higher, say Forty-four." Suddenly he pulled away the manhole, and the fellow dropped into the sewer. The Newfie put the manhole cover back on carefully, and went on jumping "Forty-five. Forty-five."
 

Roman Catholic jokes

Roman Catholics tell the best jokes about their own denomination :

    A woman used to come and pray every morning in a big church in Brockville. One day two workmen were on a platform way above her fixing the ceiling. One of them called down "This is the Lord" but the woman kept on fingering her rosary and praying. The workman thought she must be deaf and shouted twice as loud "This is the Lord." But she never looked up and kept praying.
The third time the whole of Brockville heard him shout "This is the Lord." Without even looking up, she said "Can't you keep quiet, I am talking to your mother."

    When the Pope got to heaven his room wasn't ready yet, so they left him happily reading in the library. Suddenly there was a great wail and they rushed in to find him crying his eyes out. "What's wrong?" they asked. He answered mournfully "Here in the books of heaven it says "celebrate" not "celibate."

    The Pope was praying and he asked "God, are we ever going to have women as priests in our Church?" God said "Not in your lifetime." So he asked "God are we ever going to have married priests in our Church?" And God said "Not in your lifetime." "God, when are you going to have another Polish Pope?" And God said, "Not in my lifetime."

Two priests were going to Hawai and decided to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, and sunglasses. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs enjoying a drink. A "drop dead' blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. When she
passed them she smiled and said, "Good morning Father," "Good morning, Father," then passed by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits, and again settled on the beach in their chairs. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them. She approached them and greeted them individually "Good morning Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know ? "Oh Father, didn't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela"

 A fellow went to the Woodbine Track in Toronto, and the first race he saw a Roman Catholic priest go up and bless a horse.  The horse won easily.  The next race he watched the priest do the same, so he bet $100 on the horse, and again the horse won its race.  This went on till the last race when he bet all his winnings, but the horse collapsed on the track. So he asked the priest what had gone wrong?  "That's the trouble with you Protestants, you don't know the difference between a blessing and the last rites."

Anglican Jokes

As an Anglican (Episcopal) minister I like jokes that keep us from getting too pompous :

    A fellow came to Kingston General Hospital to have a brain transplant. When they took his brain out and went to get the other brain, he thought the operation was over and walked out. They looked everywhere and couldn't find him. Three years later the surgeon was walking down Princess Street, and met the man. "Weren't you the man I took the brain out from?" The fellow said "yes." "How are you doing?" and he said "OK?" "What are you doing now?" He pointed to his dog collar, and said "Can't you see, I am as Anglican minister in the Diocese of Ontario."

    A fellow came to Kingston General Hospital to have a brain transplant. They had several brains lined up for him to choose from "This a doctor's brain for $3,000." "That is a lawyer's brain for $4,000." The man asked about a superb looking brain on another shelf? The nurse said "Oh, I am afraid that would be $50,000. It belonged to an Anglican minister and it has never been used."

    An Anglican minister called at a woman's home. He knocked several times and got impatient because he could hear her scurrying around inside. So he wrote a text on his card and left it in her mail box : Revelation 3:20 "Behold I stand at the door and knock, if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in." Next Sunday as she left the church she slipped him her card with Genesis 3:10 written on it. He rushed home to see what the text was. "I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself."

    An Anglican minister was walking along a cliff and fell over. He managed to grab a branch and could see the rocks five hundred feet below him. So he decided he had better pray. He looked up to heaven and said, "Is there anybody up there?" A loud voice came from heaven "Let go thy hand and I will hold thee up." The minister thought for a minute and looked up again "Is there anybody else up there?"

    An Anglican minister decided to go to a silent monastery to escape the pressures of his parish. The rule was you could speak two words once every five years. At the end of his first five years he went to his father superior and said "Bad food." The superior nodded his head and the minister went back to his cell for another five years. At the end of ten years he went in and said "Hard bed." Again the superior nodded his head, and he went back till the end of his fifteenth year. This time he said "I quit," and the father superior said "About time too, you have done nothing but complain since you have been here."

    A boy gave a dollar to an Anglican minister. The priest told him he should give it to the poor. "That's why I gave it to you, Reverend, because my dad says you're the poorest preacher we ever had."

    An Anglican offered to paint the outside walls of the village church. Half way along the paint was running out and he filled up with paint thinner. Again the paint ran out and he did the same. Overnight there was a rain storm. On Sunday morning the people complained he had done a crummy job.
He was very upset and looked up to heaven. "What shall I do, they are all mad with me?" A voice came from heaven. "Repaint, and thin no more."

    There are of course numerous riddles about how many Anglicans it takes to change a lightbulb. I thought the best answer was "Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to say "We preferred it the way it was before." But then I was told it is actually impossible for Anglicans ever to change a light bulb. There is always a woman who will say "My mother donated that bulb, and you touch it over my dead body."

    A woman had been trying to make up her mind for an hour between a green dress and a red one. The young sales girl was getting exasperated. "Madam, what colors does you husband usually wear?" The woman, whose husband was the Archbishop of Canterbury, said he usually wore a purple gown. "Oh, you've got one of them kinky ones, ave you?"

Hospital Jokes

    A man really bothered the hospital nurses by complaining about his earache. Finally they got an intern to look at him, and he pulled out a suppository from the man's ear. "Ah thank you, Doctor, now I know where my hearing aid went."

    Every time the farmer visited his mother he brought her a bottle of milk spiked with a little brandy. One day she asked him to do him a favour.   "Don't ever sell that cow."

    I had visited and prayed with two men from my parish. As I was leaving the room a Chinese man, who was very obviously very sick, signaled to me to come over. I knelt down by his bedside and as I prayed he was very agitated and kept saying "huflung kiyu, huflung kiyu." I couldn't understand what he was saying so I went on with the prayer till he suddenly keeled over and died. The nurses came in and took him to the morgue. Next day I went to a Chinese restaurant and asked the waiter "Could you please tell me what huflung kiyu means?" He said it wasn't on the menu, but I kept pressing him for the translation. Finally he said that huflung kiyu means "You are kneeling on my oxygen line."

    I usually tell one of my stories when I visit people in hospital. And I told that story to Gwyneth Travers, the Kingston artist, just after she had been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. I visited her again and again for six months, and arrived by her bedside half an hour before she died. She looked at me, took off her oxygen mask, and said fiercely "Don't you dare come and kneel on my oxygen line." I like the courage of woman who can keep a minister's joke for six months and throw it back at him on her deathbed.
 

Marriage Jokes

    In the Alpha Course videos Nicky Gumbel tells a story about a Cockney who couldn't decide between Ether, who was a gorgeous blonde, and Maria, who was an equally gorgeous brunette. The indecision worried him so much that he decided he had better go to a church and pray. "God, do you want me to ave Ether, or do you want me to ave Maria?" When he opened his eyes there on the wall he saw "Ave Maria."

    A couple sent a telegram with a text to be read out at a wedding. The text was 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear." The telegram was delivered as John 4:18 "You have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband."

    A woman in a remote part of Africa was going to be baptized, confirmed, and married on one day when the Bishop came to visit. He didn't know the local language so she was forced to learn off the responses in English. She managed the baptism quite well, and also the confirmation, but when the Bishop asked "Wilt thou have this man to be thy lawful wedded husband?" she said boldly "I renounce the devil and all his works." .
 

Funeral Jokes

Ministers have to take funerals and they usually travel with the funeral director to the grave side. I once told a story he hadn't heard before :

    When I arrived at the James Read funeral home the funeral director was very agitated. "Reverend, I am afraid there are no pall bearers for this funeral." When I asked why, he said the lady wrote in her last will and testament "No man ever took me out when I was alive, and no man is going to take me out when I am dead."

    A minister had to do the committal for a very difficult member of his congregation. To try and say something to comfort the man's wife and family at the grave-side he prayed, "Lord, what we are committing to the ground is just the shell, the nut has already departed."

It was a perfect day so a hang glider decided to circle over the family farm.  His mother said "Look, there's a huge bird flying over  us."  So her husband grabbed a gun and started shooting.   "Did you get the bird?"  He shook his head sadly.  "No, but I made it drop its prey."

A fellow was worried he wouldn't have money to use in heaven, so he asked his friends to put some in his casket.  A doctor came and put in a crisp hundred dollar note.  A plumber put in a thousand dollars in crumpled bills.  A lawyer carefully counted the money, and put in a cheque for the exact amount.

Cemetery Jokes

Cemeteries can give one the creeps, so we have jokes to break their spell:

    A couple's home overlooked the cemetery, but they were irked by a pair of lovers who used to come every evening to kiss and cuddle on a bench just opposite their window. So the man hid himself behind a tombstone, and as it got dark he called out "Let me out of here, let me out of here." The couple fled and never came back.

. And I love my wife Mollie's favorite riddle : "What did one worm say to the other in the churchyard ?" Answer "Let's go and make love in dead earnest."
 

Animal Jokes

    When I was a boy I used to tell riddles of the genre : "Why did the owl owl?" Answer "Because the woodpecker would peck her." "Vy voudn't de viper viper nose?" Answer "Because the adder ad er ankerchief."

    Now I prefer "What does a mummy kangaroo say when it rains?" Answer "I just hate these days when the children have to play inside."

    A couple thought their dog had died, so they rushed to the vet to check if he was still alive. The vet laid the animal on the table, picked up a cat from a basket and let it walk up and down the dog's back. "Yes, I am sorry your dog is dead, or he would have jumped up. That will be $333." The couple demanded an explanation for the cost. "It is just $33 for the surgery visit, but $300 for the cat scan."

    A woman had her dog neutered. Ten years later a genie came to her birthday party and offered the woman a wish. "I wish you would change that old dog of mine into a beautiful prince." Instantly the prince appeared, gave the woman a kiss, and whispered "Too bad you had me fixed."

    The Vegetarian Society hired an Elephant to go round every town in England with a big sign on both sides : "This is what vegetarianism does for you."

    A bull picked up a glove with one of its horns and tossed in the direction of the cows. "Any of you girls missing half a bra?"

    A panda walked into a restaurant, ordered his meal, and ate it quietly. When he had finished, he pulled out a gun and shot the bottles off the bar. As he was walking out the manager rushed up to ask "What do you think you are doing?" The animal told him to look up the word panda in a dictionary, and ran off. The dictionary said "The panda is a tree-dwelling black and white animal that eats, shoots, and leaves."

    Little Joey was visiting the lions' cage at the zoo with his father. "Dad, if that lion gets out of the cage right now and attacks you, what bus do I take home?"

    A magician used to put on magic shows on a transatlantic liner, but he had a parrot that kept spoiling the tricks by saying "He's got it up his sleeve" or "That box has a false bottom." One day the ship hit an iceberg and sank. The magician saved himself on a raft. Three days later the parrot arrived exhausted and said "OK, I give up, where did you hide the ship?"

    A cowboy was thrown from his horse and broke a leg. The animal picked the man up by his belt, carried him home, and went to fetch a doctor. Another cowboy said he had the smartest horse on the ranch. "Don't you believe it, that animal is so stupid he came back with a vet."

The Browns had good neighbours who kept a pet squirrel in a cage. The squirrel was light orange with a black spot on its head. One evening at supper the Browns' dog brought in a mangled muddy squirrel. It was orange with a black spot on its head. They were very embarrassed that their dog had killed the neighbours' pet. So they washed off the mud, sewed up the cuts in the squirrel's skin, and dried the fur nicely with a hair drier. In the dead of night they crept into their neighbours' porch and laid the squirrel in its cage. Next morning the neigbours rushed in excitedly. "Would you believe it, our dear little squirrel died three days ago, and we buried it in our garden. This morning we found it resurrected and sleeping peacefully back in its cage."

Which reminds me of another story of deception to avoid embarrassment :
After the priests had assembled with the elders, they devised a plan to give a large sum of money to the soldiers, telling them, "You must say, 'His disciples came by night and stole him away while we were asleep.' If this comes to the governor's ears, we will satisfy him and keep you out of trouble." So they took the money and did as they were directed. And this story is still told among the Jews to this day (Matthew 28:12-15).

Sex Jokes

Sex may be enjoyable, but it is also ridiculous.

    A man got into a railway compartment alone with a woman. They sat in silence as the train chugged across the Russian steppes. After the first day he said "You come from Omsk?" She said "Niet." At the end of the second day he said, "You come from Tomsk?" She said "Niet." At the end of the third day he said "Enough of this luve making, streep."

    Mollie's father used to tell about a couple on their honeymoon. He tried to hug her, but she said "Don't start any of that stuff. Keep your hands off me, you dirty- minded beast."

    President Calvin Coolidge was visiting a farm with his wife. As they watched a bull mounting one cow after another, she said "Look what virility!" He answered "But look what variety!"

    After making love a man asked "Did I hurt you?" She said "No, dear, why?"   He said "You moved."
 

Mother Jokes

    "My mother hovers over me like a helicopter."

    A mother said to her daughter, "What kind of man is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?" The daughter replied, "Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three very well behaved children."
 

Sexist Jokes

Sexist jokes are no longer politically correct but I can't resist the temptation :

    A couple were driving across Canada. When she leaned on the door, she fell out, and the door closed again. Twenty minutes later a police officer flagged him down. "My man, did you realize your wife had fallen out of the car?" He put his hand up to his right ear, and said "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf."

    A British district officer in Burma had seen that the local men walked in front, and women walked behind to market with a load on their head. After the end of the war he went back and was astonished to find the women walking in front and the men behind them. "How come you have had such rapid social change? How did the women get so liberated?" he asked, but no one would answer him. Finally an old man explained, "When the Japanese war ended there were a lot of unexploded land mines."
 

True jokes

    The best jokes actually happened. When he came to speak in Kingston Ron Sider tells the story of how he and his wife loved to collect mushrooms. One day they found a basket full, and decided to throw a mushroom party. Everybody loved them, including the cat. But then they saw her writhing on the kitchen floor. They called the doctor and said "What should we do, we have eaten poisoned mushrooms?" The doctor told them to hurry down with their guests to emergency. The stomach pump cost $200 a person. When they got home the cat was lying contentedly in a corner with six newborn kittens.
 

Howler Jokes

    Anybody who has corrected exam papers can add to the stock of howlers. Here are my favorites:

A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.

Rural life is found mostly in the country.

A horse divided against itself cannot stand.

The President, in having foreign affairs, has to have the consent of the Senate.

The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father, but a president isn't.

Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

Growing on the lattice were pink and yellow concubines.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.

Bach had twelve children, and practiced on a spinster in the attic.

The death of Francis Macomber was a turning point in his life.

Hamlet is left on stage to relieve himself in a soliloquy.

If one angle of a triangle is more than 90 degrees the triangle is obscene.

Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

Adultery is what adults do together.

Having only one wife is called monotony.

A man who has two wives is called a pigamist.

The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair. They looked like women only more horrible.

A morality play is a play in which the characters are goblins, ghost, virgins, and other mythical creatures.



Bob Brow, 116 Rideau Street, Kingston, Ontario K7K 2Z9 Canada 613 542 9838 web : www.brow.on.ca


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